A few years ago Dr. Michelle B. Lee told me the following story:
I was talking to a coworker the other day and she asked me for some advice about her supervisor. She said every time she’s talking in a meeting, her supervisor is doing weird things like picking his nose, sighing, and hitting his head. It’s like he’s irritated that she’s talking.
She asked me what she should do about it. I asked her, “Are you sure he only does that when you talk and not when anybody else talks?” She said that it happened multiple times in a room full of people. It made her feel like she needed to hurry up and finish.
I told her that was very disrespectful and gave her some options. If that was being done to me, I would ask him if he had a problem with me speaking because a lot of times people might not be aware of what they are doing.
Based on her personality, I suggested that she should take him aside after the meeting to explain to him that his actions made her feel uncomfortable and disrespected.
After Dr. Lee told me this story, the first thing I said was, “It sounds like she needs a new supervisor.” Ha!
But seriously, notice what Dr. Lee suggested: speak to the supervisor to get some clarity about his body language and let him know how she felt about it.
That is great advice. Let’s unpack it.
Get some clarity.
My grandmother used to always say, “Actions speak louder than words.” I agree with her wisdom. And I have also learned something else over the years.
Duncan Nugget® #130:
Outward behavior isn’t always congruent with internal thoughts and feelings.
Research shows that just because a person nods their head in agreement doesn’t mean they agree with what you’re saying. They’re agreeing with what they’re thinking. They could be nodding their head because they are thinking, “Uh-huh, I knew this dude was an idiot.”
Once, at a networking event, a guy was talking to me with his arms folded across his body the entire time. If you have ever taken a course on body language then you already know that crossed arms can give the impression that you are “closed off”. But at some point, the guy leaned in and told me he spilled mustard on his shirt. That guy wasn’t “closed off”, he was embarrassed. So, actions do speak louder than words, but are you “hearing” the right thing?
A big part of Emotional Intelligence and conflict management is taking time to explore what a person’s body language means to you and them. That’s why I think the advice Dr. Lee gave her friend was great. Savvy professionals seek clarification to make sure all parties involved have a clear picture of the situation.
When the time is right, have the confidence to speak up.
Regardless of intentions, it’s easy to see how the supervisor’s body language was disrespectful, Dr. Lee’s friend didn’t have to tolerate that behavior, and it needed to be addressed.
Duncan Nugget® #370:
Regardless of the message someone may be conveying, you don’t have to accept feeling disrespected by it.
If you feel disrespected, then based on the context and your personality, when the time is right you should have a discussion to make sure that your point of view is heard.
By the way, Dr. Lee also told her friend that if the conversation with the supervisor didn’t go well then it might be a good idea to talk to her supervisor’s manager or HR because she should not accept continuous disrespect.
BONUS TIPS
Know your own body language.
Be aware of your own body language and make sure you are not part of the reason someone else responds to you in that manner.
Manage your emotions.
When it comes to body language, your Emotional Intelligence—the ability to perceive and manage your emotions as well as the emotions of others—is crucial.
The bottom line is, if you ever find yourself dealing with disrespectful body language, don’t just accept it. With the context in mind, speak up, get some clarity, and address the situation.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS AND ACTIVITY
- Describe a time when you felt disrespected by someone’s body language and what you did about it.
- Have you ever been wrong about what somebody’s body language meant? What did you do about it?
- Has anybody ever been wrong about the intentions behind your body language or behavior? Explain what happened and how you dealt with it.
Activity: Go study a video of yourself giving a presentation, participating in a virtual meeting, or talking in a selfie video. Study your facial expressions and other body language. Does your message and body language match? What would you improve?